Thinking

Things have happened recently in my life that have caused me to do a lot of thinking. Not that this is anything new to me. I have been an over thinker all my life. Growing up I would create amazingly perfect scenarios in my head when something exciting in my life was coming up and set myself up for utter disappointed every single time because things weren't nearly as amazing as I had imagined them to be. Eventually I had to come to the realization that I had the capacity to create scenarios in my mind that were far too perfect to exist. I had to come to terms with the fact that there wasn't going to be a time in my life when I would be able to make things like I could make them in my mind.

After I came to that conclusion I was able to start thinking less and living more, and that made all the difference. Limiting myself to being excited about something, I would try to keep possible specifics from my mind. This took years of practice before I got good at it. I still caught myself creating a world in my imagination where the good things that rapidly flowed into my mind would actually happen. I would quickly catch myself and make sure to put them from my thoughts enough to be able to be at least somewhat happy with reality and what was actually going on around me. I started to see a major difference in my life.

Soon the perfect world of my imagination began to fade; not because I began to become a grown up and mature and all that other nonsense that people try to use to explain away their lack of an imagination; but because perfection in general began to become less and less appealing to me. I had finally figured out how to love what life threw at me every day. I began to love not knowing what was going to happen next and not knowing what I was going to do about it. I started to love letting God be in control. I especially began to love seeing how other people would influence me and I them, especially when it was never planned, imagined, or thought of before the moment that it happened. For once I started to live now. And everything from that point on was different.

Now awkward moments only exist when I allow them to. Confidence is something that I can create within myself and use, not just wish I had more of. Opportunities are no longer just a thing that I watch pass me by like cars on the freeway that I have no power to stop. I can create them right in front of me and not only for myself but for others as well. All that being said, I am not claiming self mastery in any way. I have merely started my journey down that long and exciting road and have no desire whatsoever to look back.

My imagination is not gone. it isn't something that I have outgrown or done away with. Quite the contrary in fact. It is now more alive then ever because I live within it each day. I create it around me. You are a part of it. Whether you know it or not. The mere fact that you are reading this makes you a part of it.

The best thing about this post is that I was planning on writing something completely different. When I started writing I was going to hint at specifics in my life and let you take a guess at my imperfections and the tragedies that have befallen me as of late in an effort to vent out my feelings and hopefully make myself feel better about my life by thinking that someone reading would throw some sympathy my way... but I decided to let something besides the crazy over thought of my mind take control.

Sorry if you think this is strange. Maybe it is different and odd and unlike anything that I will ever post again... but then again... maybe all that is just your imagination.